


Uncomfortable Findings

by queen_fiend (pau22)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-18
Updated: 2008-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-04 16:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pau22/pseuds/queen_fiend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister is curious about something he finds in Rimmer's locker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncomfortable Findings

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dwarf, and am not making any money from this. I'm just having a bit of fun.
> 
> Notes: Thanks to madlovescience for the encouragement on my first fic!

Lister heard a slight cough, and looked up from his task to see the hologram in full nostril-flaring mode, standing in the entrance to their quarters. “Hey man. You all right?”

“What…” Rimmer stammered, “what are you doing, Lister?”

“What does it look like?” Lister asked, plopping another magazine onto one of the neat piles – well, not exactly neat, but much neater than Rimmer thought Lister was capable of.

“You’re putting magazines in piles,” Rimmer said with a tone of disbelief.

“Yeah, I’m just doing a bit of organizing."

"Organizing? Are you sure you're feeling all right, Listy? That's something I thought I'd never see.”

“Aren’t ya impressed?” Lister asked with a smile.

“Um, well. Well. You've only got two piles, and messy ones at that, but I guess it's a start. It's a big improvement over slopping up curries and playing that bloody guitar all day. I can’t say I’m impressed by the subject matter of those magazines, though.” Rimmer surveyed the two piles of magazines disapprovingly. One pile appeared to be a collection of rock and blues music magazines, with lots of sweaty looking men and women playing guitars or drums on the covers. The other pile was a selection of magazines with women in various states of undress, or no dress at all. The magazines’ appearance wasn’t improved by the fact that many of them had great lumpy splats of different colours on their covers.

Rimmer sat down at the table in the middle of the room. Lister’s atypical behaviour demanded further investigation. “You know, Listy, you’ve got this far…the next logical step would be to put them in alphabetical order."

Lister snorted. “No way. That’d take way too smegging long. I’m only making two piles – one for – “

“Yes, Lister, I can see that.” Lister gave him a gerbil-cheeked grin.

They sat in silence for a few moments, the only sound the slap of magazines being thrown on the piles. Suddenly Lister stopped, and held a piece of paper up to his face, looking puzzled. “Um…I think this is yours, man.”

Rimmer looked up in surprise. “Oh? What possession of mine could possibly be in with those grotty magazines?”

Lister looked slightly guilty. “Well, I was storing these mags in yer locker, so…”

“What?” Rimmer said abruptly. “I don’t want you snooping around in there!”

“Come on, I wasn’t snooping! You just had some extra space in there, so I took it. It was only going to be temporary, anyway.”

Rimmer strode over to his open locker and peered inside. It looked reasonably tidy. Still, he couldn’t completely trust Lister. “Have you got anything else in there, you gimboid?”

“No, it was just the mags.”

Rimmer’s eyes drifted back to the piece of paper Lister was holding, and remembered the reason they were having this conversation in the first place.

“So…” Rimmer started, trying to sound casual, “what have you got there, Lister?”

“Oh, right. It’s this ‘Love Celibacy Society’ membership newsletter.”

Well, it wasn’t the most embarrassing thing he could have found, but it definitely had potential. “Oh,” said Rimmer simply.

"Don’t tell me you’ve got a whole collection of these in there!"

"Of course I don't!" Rimmer snapped. It's just something I got from the meetings...I usually threw them out when I was finished with them, but I obviously missed that one.”

“So you went to meetings…what? Once a week?”

“Yes, about that…why?”

“So there were weekly meetings, but they gave out newsletters as well?” Lister had a smirk starting at the corners of his mouth.

“Yes! Do you have a point, Lister?”

Lister shook his head, opened up the pamphlet, and began to read. Rimmer wondered why Lister was so set on making fun of him about this. "Look, Lister," he began, but Lister cut him off.

"'Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn,'" Lister read. "You've said those exact words before!"

"Well, it's true!"

"You really believe this smeg, don't you? Don't tell me you get this thing out every night and memorize it."

"Don’t be ridiculous, Lister. That just happens to be one of the phrases I...remember better than others."

Lister looked up into Rimmer's indignant face. "What about Yvonne McGruder, then. Didn't ya feel anything for her?"

Rimmer gave an impatient sigh. "She was a very attractive woman, Lister, but I wasn't in love with her."

"Right. You just gave her one, yeah?"

"Well, yes!"

There was an awkward silence as Lister returned his gaze to the pamphlet in his hand. Rimmer was just about to open his mouth and give him a talking to about leaving his personal belongings alone, when Lister started to read out loud again.

"'Tip of the month: Sex does not equal love. At the Love Celibates Society, we believe that sex is overrated. However, we are still men, with men's needs. It is perfectly fine to have sex with women, as long as you do not let yourself get carried away, and develop the foolish idea that you are in love. We recommend having sex with the same woman no more than twice in a row.'"

Lister shook his head again, and dropped the pamphlet as if it had suddenly turned into a fresh vegetable. "Well. If you've got opinions like that, Rimmer, no wonder you’ve always had such bad luck with women!"

Rimmer stood up forcefully, and glared at the other man. "Lister, do kindly shut up! You said you weren’t snooping, but what are you doing now? Going on and on about my personal, private possessions!”

“OK, all right,” Lister sighed, sounding defeated. “I’ve seen enough now, anyway. Er...do you want me to put this back in your locker?"

"OK. I mean, no. No! Just throw it away. I don't need it anymore."

Lister smiled again. "You don't, eh? So maybe you’ve changed your mind since then?”

Rimmer found he couldn't look at the hopeful expression that had suddenly popped onto the other man's face. "No," he said dropping his eyes. After a moment, he added, "Given the situation I'm in, Lister, it doesn't appear very likely that I'm going to find love any time soon. If I did believe in it, that is."

"I don't know how anyone can't believe in love, man, but...yeah...I guess there’s a serious shortage of eligible people out here.” A sad look crossed Lister’s face, as he thought about the implications of their situation for himself.

"Exactly my thoughts, Listy," Rimmer said in what he hoped was a cheerful, confident sounding voice. His statement was followed by another awkward silence, and Rimmer felt the need to break it. "You can throw that thing away now, Lister."

"Oh yeah." Lister walked over to the bin, and dropped it in. "Good riddance, I say.” He yawned and gave a big stretch. “Well, I’m going to go get meself a bite to eat. All that organization has made me work up an appetite!”

"Please do," groaned Rimmer. "Peace at last!"

A snorty sounding giggle emerged from Lister as he walked toward the door. Just before leaving the room completely, he turned and looked back at Rimmer. "I'm sorry..." he said awkwardly, then restarted. “I'm sorry you never..."

"What?" said Rimmer, exasperated.

Lister sighed. "Um...never mind." And with that, he turned and left.

Rimmer watched him go, then sat down heavily on his bunk. Or at least he would have, if he had been corporeal, but as it was, he could only pretend to sit down heavily. His conversation with Lister had left him tired as well as tense. Rimmer closed his eyes, and couldn’t help running over their conversation in his head again. As Lister had said, there weren’t many “eligible people” to fall in love with out here. After all, the only beings he ever interacted with were a nutty, asexual mechanoid, a strange cat-man, and a slobby space bum. A very annoying, frustrating, noisy space bum. No, in a situation like this, it should be absolutely impossible for a man like him to fall in love. But then, nothing ever went smoothly for Arnold J. Rimmer.


End file.
